Radio script (run-time 5 mins) on short-sighted attitudes to infrastructure investment (March 2003)

Whether we care to admit it or not, ingrained in the hearts and souls of every True Brit is a deep unease, a fear of the dangers of over-confidence and something rather more  than bashfulness about being bold.

From Pilgrims Progress through to today’s tabloid headlines we have been rigorously educated in the perils and pitfalls of straying from the straight and narrow.

Nowhere are the outcomes of this genetic disposition towards anti-boldness more evident than in our collective attitude towards the funding and expectations of major infrastructure projects.  And it is part of our make-up that we will also constantly complain at our failure to be bold enough. [Background music – theme from Magic Roundabout] ‘What a way to run a railway, said Doogle shaking his head sorrowfully’.

And we know that it is not just about our national narrow-gauge railways.  As a nation we do ‘narrow’ really well.  We positively revel in being narrow-minded.  We build motorways that need extra lanes added when, surprise surprise, they turn out to be thin on the ground.  Hospitals with not enough beds or spaces in the car park.  Schools with not enough teachers.  Call Centres with not enough operators.  Power supplies with variable volts.  Rural areas without buses and village shops.  Public services not joined up - but with a narrow view of accountability so we can be sure who to blame for a shortfall in service.  And in first place, in the all-time ‘International Masters of Narrow’ awards, communications without enough capacity.

We turned our face against the expense of fibre-to-the home and pretended that narrowband on copper would be broad enough. Even the much lauded ADSL turns out for most customers to deliver less than a quarter of the International standard for Broadband. DSL is technically defined as ‘wideband’ but in reality (at a contention ratio of 50:1) often delivers only a narrow band service that underperforms what was once expected from an ISDN line.  Even the lamentable and expensive 3G mobile services will struggle to break into a slow canter.  Here we are, 14 years on from the decision against replacing copper wires with fibre - 10 years on from when ‘the experts’ dismissed the Internet as some kind of passing fad – and now we find  that Broadband Britain is a misspelling of Broad Banned Britain.

But we should not despair.  Our country’s economic future is assured – particularly if we now devote ourselves wholeheartedly to protecting our reputation as a World Heritage Site – a sort of living museum that will attract curious visitors from other economies to study history and get some sort of perspective on their relative boldness.  We might even be able to offer a good line in boldness counseling services and narrow-mind-ness clinics for the correction of hopeless progressives.

There is however a small snag.  We don’t really do ‘wholehearted’.  Right now we are fresh out of Whole.  We might perhaps have a bit of Half-hearted coming in next month but you shouldn’t bet on it.  Why not try a few thin-sliced rashers of Shortcoming?  Alternatives?  Well we don’t really do Vision, Commitment and Boldness these days – leastways not well enough to succeed as a Museum of the Narrow.  And anyway, the tourists may not actually come here.  [*] It will probably be enough for them to look in on us from afar, via their broadband terminals, every time they need reminding of the consequences of limited vision and narrow perspectives.

* [Magic Roundabout theme background fade 4 secs after end]